A Bridge to Sanity

Been a long time....

Well, where to start.  For the last 8 months I've been fighting different symptoms in my body and mind.  We thought it was something to do with my thyroid and while I do have a mass that needs to be biopsied, it's not affecting my blood work therefore not the root of the issues.  So.....

David and I went to a psychiatrist 3 Thursdays ago.  He took an unusually long time talking to me, to be thorough.  We didn't get home until 8pm!!!  I don't know how much—or when—I'm going to tell anyone else---the psych said for sure I was depressed (not sad, just not motivated and losing interest in things)  and ordered some more psych evaluations because he thinks (and David's suspected) that I might have Bipolar.  Ironic that he mentioned it before I had to the chance to tell him what we suspected.  I was very careful not to use any key words like manic or depressed—just describing how I was feeling.    He was saddened that past counselors (in High school) didn't see it because it would've saved me a lot of trauma to deal with it in the beginning...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

We also went through a lot of the trauma stuff from my past and he helped me see that a lot of my seemingly hair trigger reactions (that didn't make sense to me) were in some way connected to a trauma in my past. i.e.  becuz of a trauma in  a major incident I have a hard time trusting females—and when I finally do, when (because we are all human) they "fail" me, my mind triggers the pain from the trauma.  (a very simplified version of what he said!)

But I'm not stuck here!!  He showed me that I can get past it all and is going to walk me through it.  He also said it was a good thing I hadn't started the Lexapro when the Dr had prescribed.  1.) He doesn't like the side effects attached to it AND 2.) Since I have bipolar symptoms, an anti-depressant alone will trigger some pretty massive mood swings and it's better if I'm under someone's supervision so I can get immediate help—if that does happen. 

He prescribed Welbutrin XL and told David to watch for any mood swings—not just up and down days—mood swings.  The psych also prescribed Ambien, because I'm not sleeping much.  (up every hour til about 3am, then up for 2 hours—finally getting to sleep around 5a.m.   It's a good thing the kids have school and I can sleep during the day!  Anyway, he wants to make sure that any anger isn't from being tired and touchy.  He was very thorough and cautious.  I like that.  I'm comfortable that I won't be on any meds that I don't absolutely have to be on.

I thank God for the gifts He's placed in people and that he uses different ones to heal different areas of my life.

I got the results to the psych tests Friday, the psych confirmed I have Bipolar II--which is the less severe type and more easily treatable, and Borderline Personality Disorder.  David has been researching the subject to make sure I won't be taking any meds that aren't safe or are weird.  I guess it explains a lot of things in my past and why I would flip out randomly and then be ok the next day or a couple hours later.  So for now I'm on Wellbutrin XL, Lamictal, Ambien and may start some sedative if the Ambien doesn't help me sleep.

I am, however, glad to know the name of the enemy we've been fighting for so many years.  And I intend to be completely whole by the end of this fight. 

We've beat allergies and other major sicknesses in our bodies before and it was always with God revealing where the true battle was and not just fighting symptoms.  I believe these next couple of weeks will reveal a lot of areas that God can bring wholeness to. 

I'm definitely not going to take the diagnosis--Bipolar II and Borderline Personality Disorder--as the final say—more of a understanding of the enemy we've been fighting and getting frustrated with because he never seems to go away completely.  I think it's because we've fought symptoms not the root.

I'm having a hard time with it all.  I don't want to be either of those things, but then again without knowing it, I've been both since my teen years.  It explains alot, but I'm caught thinking---the best of me & the worst of me are due to a chemical imbalance in my head or my brain not knowing how to process certain chemicals.  I like the hypomanic phases I have, I'm the Julie everyone knows and loves during that time.  But the depressive phase--is scary enough to want answers and get better.  What a dilema. 

Anyway, we're reading alot of books about it and trying to figure out where we go from here.  What we can expect, from me, from the Drs, from God, from friends.  I'm 100 percent honest about how I'm feeling in every moment.  Can people handle that?  AND worse, is it me talking or the trauma and chemical imbalance? 

Once again, we get thrown a curve ball...why can't we ever get the fast ball straight down the center!!

I'm going to post another blog that has the brief description of each disorder...just in case you're curious cuz there's alot of crazy stuff about them out there. 

Thanks for reading!

Borderline Personality Disorder & Bipolar II

Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.¹ There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.^2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.⁴ Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms

While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.⁵ These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

Treatment

Treatments for BPD have improved in recent years. Group and individual psychotherapy are at least partially effective for many patients. Within the past 15 years, a new psychosocial treatment termed dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was developed specifically to treat BPD, and this technique has looked promising in treatment studies.⁶ Pharmacological treatments are often prescribed based on specific target symptoms shown by the individual patient. Antidepressant drugs and mood stabilizers may be helpful for depressed and/or labile mood. Antipsychotic drugs may also be used when there are distortions in thinking.⁷

What is Bipolar II ?

There is another type of Bipolar Disorder called Bipolar II Disorder. Traditional Bipolar Disorder consists of extreme highs and lows. Bipolar II does not have the same level of mania that Bipolar Disorder has. Those with Bipolar II Disorder experience milder episodes of mania, called hypomania. Hypomanic individuals do not become openly delusional or require hospitalization.


The hypomanic individual typically presents with increased energy, heightened or irritable mood, increased talkativeness, decreased need for sleep, increased social or sexual activity, and increased spending or work-related activities. Some people with Bipolar II get most of their creative work done in their hypomanic periods, knowing that they have only so much time before they return to depression. Bipolar II Disorder is associated with significant social and vocational disability and an increased risk of suicide.

Bipolar Symptoms

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:

·         Increased energy, activity, and restlessness

·         Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood

·         Extreme irritability

·         Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another

·         Distractibility, can't concentrate well

·         Little sleep needed

·         Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers

·         Poor judgment

·         Spending sprees

·         A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual

·         Increased sexual drive

·         Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications

·         Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior

·         Denial that anything is wrong

A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If the mood is irritable, four additional symptoms must be present.

Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:

·         Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood

·         Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism

·         Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness

·         Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex

·         Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"

·         Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions

·         Restlessness or irritability

·         Sleeping too much, or can't sleep

·         Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain

·         Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury

·         Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

A depressive episode is diagnosed if five or more of these symptoms last most of the day, nearly every day, for a period of 2 weeks or longer.

Bipolar Disorder differs from the common changes in mood that everyone experiences in their lives because of the severity and duration of bipolar symptoms. If left untreated, Bipolar Disorder can disrupt many aspects of daily life.

How can Bipolar Disorder affect my life?

Bipolar Disorder can affect every aspect of a person’s life. In the manic state, a person may spend excessive amounts of money, or make drastic and erratic decisions. In a depressed state, he or she may become hopeless and lethargic, with a loss of interest in things once enjoyed. The emotional ups and downs associated with BPD make living life painful. Since environmental stresses such as life changes or tragedy can set off an episode, a person with Bipolar Disorder may live life in fear of triggering their disorder.

A person living with symptoms of Bipolar Disorder often struggles to have successful relationships and stable employment. Common daily activities become difficult and painstaking. People with bipolar symptoms often turn to alcohol or drugs to help them cope with their highs and lows. Many people afflicted with Bipolar Disorder consider suicide. Without treatment, a person suffering from symptoms of Bipolar Disorder becomes a potential danger to themselves and others around them.

What is Bipolar II?

Bipolar II does not have the same level of mania that Bipolar Disorder has. Those with Bipolar II Disorder experience milder episodes of mania, called hypomania. Hypomanic individuals do not become openly delusional or require hospitalization. The hypomanic individual typically presents with increased energy, heightened or irritable mood, increased talkativeness, decreased need for sleep, increased social or sexual activity, and increased spending or work-related activities. Some people with Bipolar II get most of their creative work done in their hypomanic periods, knowing that they have only so much time before they return to depression. Bipolar II Disorder is associated with significant social and vocational disability and an increased risk of suicide.

How Is Bipolar Disorder Treated?

Proper treatment of Bipolar Disorder can help to alleviate the emotional highs and lows of the disorder. Because bipolar disorder is a recurrent illness, it is recommended that the treatment plan be a long term plan. A strategy that combines medication and cognitive behavioral therapy is optimal for managing the disorder over time.

Bipolar Disorder is often much better controlled through continuous treatment. Breaks in treatment can cause fluctuations in mood. Sometimes, even with continuous treatment, there can be episodes of mania and depression. It is important to report any emotional changes to a physician immediately. The doctor may be able to prevent a full-blown episode by making adjustments to the treatment plan. Working closely with the doctor and communicating openly about treatment concerns and options can make a difference in treatment effectiveness.

In addition, keeping a chart of daily mood symptoms, treatments, sleep patterns, and life events may help people with bipolar disorder and their families to better understand the illness. This chart also can help the doctor track and treat the illness most effectively.

Changes to the treatment plan may be needed at various times during the course of bipolar disorder to manage the illness most effectively. A psychiatrist should guide any changes in type or dose of medication.

Be sure to tell the psychiatrist about all other prescription drugs, over-the-counter medications, or natural supplements you may be taking. This is important because certain medications and supplements taken together may cause adverse reactions.

The weekend

This weekend sucked:

Friday night, our normal night to hang with my best friend and her husband…I thought we were going to host but…it was a bust.

Then I guess we missed a chance on Saturday night.  She wasn’t sure if they could hang out so I said to call if they wanted to (we can’t call over there cuz we’ll wake their kids up or disturb their “good night routine”). They thought we were coming over and waited at home for us to show up. 

And then last night, no call.

Maybe I need new interests….so if they’re busy we can still have a life.

To top it all off, David caught a cold from a co-worker and is trying to pass it on to me.  I’m not going to get sick!!!!! J 

Today is the last day of Spring Break and we WILL have an awesome family day!!

Processing it all

The results of my saliva tests came back the other day.  Two things jumped out: first, my melatonin levels don’t drop as far as they should mid-day--and actually spike around 11a.m.-12 p.m.--which contribute to stress during that time, dropping my body temperature and putting my body/mind in a manic state.  Second, my cortisol levels drop like a brick after I wake up—going to a normal persons “end of the day” level around 11 a.m.; leaving me unable to cope with any kind of stress as the day wears on.  It also looks like my adrenal glands (which make the cortisol) are going into overdrive at night and going into fatigue during the day.  So this is the physical stuff…how does it affect me inside?

I totally understand alcoholics or at least how they get there…not that I’m anywhere near that.  When stress tanks my cortisol levels…it’s the only “safe” thing for my family.  Alcohol can turn the switch off so I don’t have the mood swings. Maybe the best thing for them would be for me to leave—at least until I have this all straightened out in my body, but then again leaving would tear them apart so….alcohol (and sleep) are the switch flippers so I can still be here but not be so up and down and sideways in my head. 

I know this directly goes against anything a Christian believes, but the “stay in the word, worship and just believe God’s gonna come through”—didn’t help my body make cortisol or help my adrenal glands rest!  I needed a Dr’s wisdom to come in and say you need (insert treatment).  NO amount of (insert religious method of stress relief) was going to tell me that…and until I had enough symptoms for the Dr to order the tests to be able to tell what was going on in my body—because they don’t listen to you based on a hunch (I tried that!), I needed something else to help medicate my mind so I stayed sane.  I tried the B vitamins, I’m now taking a vitamin that helps my body make more serotonin so that I have more resources to combat stress, BUT the only thing that’s going to be a permanent fix is getting the cortisol and giving my adrenal glands a break so they can begin to make it on their own.

I can’t even imagine what would have happened to me or my family had we stayed in ABQ.  If this peacefully place can’t help me recover fully from daily stress, I would have completely gone insane in ABQ. 

The Dr said the “clawing” in my head was stress.  Now I know why…my body can’t even handle the little things without stressing out; much less the physical stress of working out, the emotional stress of broken relationships and not being able to lose weight, and the mental stress of dealing with a teenager on some days.  I feel like I’m going crazy on those days-and not the one you joke about “this is driving me crazy”…really thinking I’m going to go crazy—slip inside my mind and never come out, hurt me, leave the family, or scream and shout until I just explode—crazy!

I don’t think anyone understands that.

Even me sometimes, I feel like I should “push through this” or more ‘suck it up”, I’ve always been able to before.  Now my body is tanked and can’t do it.  Everything you’re ever taught about how to relieve stress is thrown out the window i.e. I can’t workout regularly because cortisol levels will drop too severely and my body can’t handle the stress right now.  On days when I “need” to work out to burn the stress energy, I have to make sure I take a nap to rebuild cortisol levels, because if my body exerts the energy to do that, my mind and then my body completely crash.  I hate this!

How did it happen?  All the studies I’ve read say that when person goes through a time of great stress (i.e. major surgeries, sickness or emotional stress beyond what you can handle normally) it takes a toll on your body.  Sometimes your kidneys can’t recover and your adrenal glands go into fatigue—causing you to put out less cortisol.  The varying degrees of output obviously coincide with the varying degrees of symptoms.  Since my body went through ALL of those things (3 c-sections within 4 years, the sickness where I lost 80lbs—later figuring out I was sensitive to caffeine, which side note here…is a stress on the body—the emotional stress of broken relationships, a ex-best friend (and I don’t let those in lightly) being petty towards me, and other people (friends and husband) who weren’t supportive and didn’t believe what was going on….ALL those things…put my body over the limit. 

Just chillin'

Tonight has been awesome!  We took the fam out to dinner to celebrate Hailey's 9th Birthday!  My how the time has flown!!! 

I'm sitting on the couch--next to my hubby--listening to a couple CDs one of my best friends put together for me especially for Valentine's Day, while David's googling news stuff.  The quintessential 21st century couple....yeah right? :-P

So anyway...I haven't blogged in a while.  Mostly becuz I haven't been doing anything or the kids have been sick and I haven't had time...but I wanted to share my new favorite song with you all.  Music is my life...Thanks, Libby for sendin' it my way!!!

A Little More You

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The weirdest most productive day

When my three youngest woke up with congestion, head & tummy aches, I thought I wouldn't get very much accomplished today at all.  It turns out to be exactly the opposite, I got all the volunteer work done for Zach's teacher.  (correlating 3000--that's 3 thousand-- sheets of paper!!!)  Granted I was supposed to be doing this over the last couple months but I kept getting sidetracked on other things.  The kids helped me and it took us 1 1/2 hours to do it.  If you multiply that out, it would've taken me 6 hours to do the job by myself!! My kids ROCK!

I even got the surfaces in my bedroom cleaned off from all the cluter that's accumulated over the month that I was sick.  I shampooed the cushions on the loveseat and managed to do 2 loads of laundry.  (you know me, it didn't get folded but it's clean!  I should get points for that!!) I even got to visit with my best friend 3 times today!  :-)

Enter the weird part of the day, besides my time being multiplied and redeemed, I overheard my 2nd eldest daughter sing songing "mider span, mider span"...I thought she got it off one of the cartoons they watch, but it turns out my wonderful hubby re-wrote/sung the Spiderman Theme song to them in pig latin-ish....and they loved it!!!  Next thing I know, I'm on the computer typing out the words becuz I can't stop singing the stupid thing and I need to know what the words are and I can't translate as fast as he can!  WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!!! 

In an effort to corrupt your mind and make me feel better knowing someone else has this stupid song in their head all day...

Mider span mider span

Whoes Dat ever a cider span

wins a speb any size

thatches c(k)ieves just fike lies

look out cere hums mider span

mider span mider span

niendly freighborhood mider span

fealth and wame

He’s ignored

Iction as ris heward.

ho tim, life is a breat gig ang bup

Thenever where’s a ang hup

Fou’ll yind the mider span!

just the chorus y'all...have a great day!! :-)

There are times like this morning when I wish I could go back to how I used to be: caring about the needs of others, but thinking they're grown up and if they want to change it's thier responsibility to do it; I'll give them the advice/scriptures I know but my heart was not involved.

Instead I seem to be stuck in a world of hurt: caring about people (past & present) who most of the time don't seem to give a flip about me (don't write, email, call or visit), but ready & willing to help the moment they need it without expecting anything in return AND even knowing the next day they'll go back to their normal/busy lives and forget about me.  Thank God for the Deb T's and Jen's of this world who seem to understand what friendship is all about.

No, I'm not a martyr and I don't think I'm all that, but I think this "Christianity with a heart" sucks sometimes and I don't know if I like it yet.

Let's see what Pastor talks about today...

Anonymity

I wanted to be able to talk about things that were going on with me while still protecting the identity of those involved.  I guess I didn't quite understand how not mentioning names would make people question if it was them or not.  I still don't feel comfortable mentioning names...but in an effort to put peoples minds at ease and not having you second guess if I'm talking about you or not, I will mention intial(s) only from now on.

To clarify who I was talking about in the Nov. 8th blog, in the first paragraph, I cannot give intials because she would be easily identified so.....the MENTOR I feel I've been banished from is a woman and doens't live in this state. 

B...Please, if you have an issue with me or think I'm talking about you, don't bottle it up and let questions play mind games with you....ask me.  I'm really tired of being ignored over misunderstandings.  I want to be a good friend and think I'm a damn good one most of the time. But I will not let stress/strife eat away at me...I will not play this game anymore...talk to me or don't, but give me the respect of not talking about me.

My other favorite video

One thing you'll find out about me is....I'm very eclectic in my music tastes.  This video will prove it. :-)

Have a Merry Christmas!

A Charlie Brown Christmas--heavy metal style

This is so awesome!!!  I don't know how long it took this guy to put this together so well, but...it ROCKS!!!  The song is "a perfect night for a hanging" by tourniquet.  Google the lyrics, they're actually really good...about Judas and the betrayal and Jesus still loving him. 

I love his video!!!